All the way live from Seattle, WA
Due to medical reasons, effective immediately, I am announcing my retirement. Tonight on Raw, I'll have a chance to elaborate. #gratitude
— Daniel Bryan (@WWEDanielBryan) February 8, 2016
Damn Homey. Danica Patrick and Tide were just talking about the new “Yes” when everybody tells you “No” campaign. Simply put, this sucks…or does it? As a wrestling fan, I’m conditioned to not believe anything until I see the little WWE Sports logo thingy in the corner at the end of the show. Anywho…
Stephanie’s Monologue/Contract Signing
Steph McMahon was chilling in ring and completely no sold the retirement news. She got right down to business pimping Fastlane and the Triple Threat match starring Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar in a contract signing that would certainly have no violence whatsoever. Steph was interrupted by both of the Super Shield Bros. but still introduced The Conqueror. Paul E tried to crank up the old sell machine before Stephanie interrupted him. Rude. Everybody scribbled their names on dotted lines. Stephanie cleared out and the Beast started rearranging furniture. Brock hit Roman with Dean. Like he threw a dude at his homeboy. Hit Dean with the F5 and bounced. Then HHH’s music hit and he just stood at the top of the ramp like, “Hey. I’m over here with the belt, bro. Don’t forget the champ.” No matches were announced for later. Again, we’re getting a lot less chat and lot more scraps. I’m with it. Let the beef develop on its own.
Kevin Owens vs Dolph Ziggler…again
I’m not exactly complaining, but if we’re going to be invested in this rivalry, let’s get something for them to beef about besides in-ring competition. Nothing crazy, but a little storyline would be fun. KO jumped Zigs before the bell and went to work early. Kev was a little more chatty than usual in this one. Ziggler reversed a scoop slam into a sleeper. Owens fell out of the ring to break it. Like magic, whenever Superstars land on the outside of the ring, the show must go to commercial. Owens was still in the driver’s seat returning from the break, but Dolph got a little offense going. After missing the high swinging DDT, and got a Superkick for his trouble. A little later Ziggler caught Owens with the DDT and a Famouser on the outside of the ring. They both beat a count-out and KO went for the Cannonball but missed. This normally wouldn’t be enough, but Ziggler wrapped up Owens and put both feet on the ropes for good measure for the three-count. Somewhere old school wrestling fans are smiling.
Usos and Dudley Boyz Collusion
The Usos were pretending to paint each others faces until they were approached by the Dudley Brothers. They mentioned that because they invented the Tables Match (Sabu and/or The Public Enemy may beg to differ) they should be included in the Usos’ match with the New Day. So the four of them formed an alliance to try and topple the World Swag Team Champions. Can’t help but to think treachery is afoot. One way or another.
Charlotte vs Alicia Fox
In a battle of the Twin Towers of the Divas division, there a lot of back and forth until Charlotte caught Foxy in the corner with a hard elbow. Meanwhile, Ric Flair slapped his shoulders and wooo’d. Careful Slick Ric, we don’t need somebody else to be sidelined with a shoulder injury. Charlotte clamped on a figure-four headlock before flipping Foxy over. Fox had a quick spurt of offense and hit Charl with a spinning backbreaker. Charlotte had enough and speared Alicia before slapping on a the Figure-eight and tapping her out. Ric continued to slap his shoulders and dance around which leads me to believe he did that for seven minutes or so. If you’re bored, Ric, look at your phone like the rest of us.
Miz TV Oh Wait..Never Mind
Miz used his show to lament about AJ Styles but got interrupted by Jericho’s pyro, music and silly jacket. So much for less talk and more action. Jericho addressed Miz’s running mouth and commandeered the whole show and switched to the Highlight Reel. Damn, Miz. You gonna let that man Deebo your show, champ? Miz looked genuinely heated. They replayed the spinning backfist from Guile…er AJ Style that knocked out the Miz’s tooth. Then Miz was like, “Ey, he beat yo ass too though.” and rolled the tape of AJ beating Jericho the day after the Royal Rumble. AJ walked to the ring and everybody was Kung-fu fighting. Miz got beat up tossed out twice. The announce team sold the AJ Styles/Jericho rematch.
Bray Wyatt vs Goldber…I mean Ryback
I guess the Goldberg chants finally got to him. Ryback dropped the RVD short set and switched to the drak colored draws. Ry Guy came out like the proverbial house of fire but burned out shortly. He got distracted with the rest of the cast of Deliverance and caught a clothesline outside the ring. Bray took over and short of a couple CM Punk knees, Ryback was done after a Sister Abigail. After the match, The Wyatts went full Geto Boyz and beat Ryback into the ground. Follow them Buzzards. Are they on Twitter?
The New Day Workin’ on the Tables
New Day commented on the eight-man tables match against the Usos and Dudleys. Renee asked if they had a partner yet to which they responded no. After dismissing Ne Ne, they went back to singing about tables.
Let’s Jump Him
Dean Ambrose been mad about that F5 for an hour and a half. Roman proposed they jump Brock Lesnar, but Dean would hear none of it. Ambrose gave Roman the night off and vowed to get some get back. You know what happens when you tell your friends not to help you jump somebody in WWE. They always turn on you. Right, Sasha?
Titus O’Neil vs Adam Rose
WWE turned into Animal Planet when the announce team kept talking about a mongoose being able to beat gators in a scrap. Yes, we’ve all seen the Snoop video from Kimmel. Is them Mongooses? Anyway, after beating Rose from pillar to post, Titus got caught in the world’s weakest schoolboy roll-up and got pinned. *sucks teeth* *rolls eyes*
Ambrose Calls Out the Beast
Dean made some dick jokes about Lesnar until he came out there to shut that runt’s mouth. Brock tossed Dean in the air like pizza dough with the F5 and walked out. But Dean, like the crazy white guy you see in the movies beckoned Brock back to the ring. Brock reached down to monkey-kill Ambrose until Roman Reigns walked out to save his little buddy. The camera stayed tight on Lesnar’s face which made it all but absolutely certain he would be getting a catching a nut-shot from behind. Sure enough after some back and forth with Roman Reigns, Brock got a European Uppercut to the coin purse. He didn’t spit up blood, but he gon’ cry in the car, though.
Lucha Dragons vs Alberto Del Rio and Rusev
It’s good to see Sin Cara is back after the shoulder injury. It’s a little difficult to not notice Kalisto is a little more decorated than Sin Cara though. That’s like Michael Jackson coming back to the Jacksons for the Victory Tour while Thriller is tearing up the charts. Anyway, Sin Cara got dominated by the League of Nations early. But the pace picked up when the US Champ got the hot tag. Briefly anyway. Kalisto got caught on the top rope after being distracted by Wade Barrett. Del Rio dropped them boots in his ribs and picked up the win.
Goldust and R. Truth Saga Episode 3
Footage was shown from earlier in the day of Truth going to the Jimi Hendrix museum when who should appear before in a Hendrix inspired get-up? Goldust of course. If Goldy was dressed as Hendrix, does his paint count as black face? Anyway, Dust broke a guitar. Truth was not impressed. Security (who looked like the second coming of Paul Bearer) dragged Dustin off.
Becky Lynch vs Tamina w/ Sasha Banks on commentary
Sasha came out and called herself Beyonce of Team BAD. I would be inclined to agree. But the rest of Destiny’s Child weren’t exactly slouches. In the right light, Tamina is more than decent. Tamina had the size advantage and USED IT (looking at you Charlotte). She also took advantage of the numbers with Naomi. Brian Saxton and Michael Cole tried to egg Sasha into the ring. But she ignored it until Tamina looked at her funny. You know sistas don’t play that. Sasha jumped up to get involved, but Naomi snuffed her from the back. Seeing her new bestie in trouble, Becky Lynch jumped down to make Naomi knock it off, but when she got back in the ring, she was greeted by a Samoan Superkick and a pinfall. Becky and Sasha both lie there in heaps.
Black Power Movement
YES…The New Day found THEE perfect partner in Sexual Chocolate himself, Mark Henry. Of course he had a short list of demands they had to meet first. After putting his lips on Francesca II, he and Big E, in classic “What You Know About This Here” fashion, had a intergenerational dance battle. Let’s make this last forever.
The New Day and Mark Henry vs The Usos and The Dudley Boyz Tables Match
After the Day Bros rocked the crowd with the World’s Strongest Unicorn, they were assaulted by the unholy alliance of Dudley/Uso. The Usos flew over the top rope, prompting a commercial break. The New Day was rolling when Raw returned. The New Day lined them up and Mark Henry knocked them down. I guess it got too good to them, because New Day started bossing the curator of the Hall of Pain around. He doesn’t play that obviously. So he bounced. The Usos gave double Superkicks to everyone not on their team. Big E caught spin kick to the head and the Dudleys swooped in and 3D’d him through a table to win the match.
Afterward, Jey Uso was (hopefully) selling a knee injury when the Dudleys pulled a switcheroo and beat up their partners. Another 3D through a table and a powerbomb through a table (RIP Mae Young) to be exact. *Gasp* I. did. not. see. that. coming. at. all. I’m not judging and frankly I like the heel turn. Seeing the Dudley’s smiling so much was kinda lame. Welcome back the true essence of Dudleyville.
Daniel Bryan Retirement Speech
Sporting a new haircut (which leads me to believe he’s going on job interviews now) Daniel Bryan soaked up all the love and adoration. Shout out to http://www.wigsforkids.org/ . He went on to tell the crowd that it was the concussions what got him. And with all the jazz in the media about concussions, you can’t take that chance, baby. With his family in mind (current and future) he decided to hang up the trunks. He went on to list his favorite things. Everybody knows if you’re going to interrupt a retirement speech, a list is the perfect time to do it. He talked about being grateful. Grateful to the fans, his friends, his family and professional wrestling in general. He spent a good chunk of the speech choking back tears and not actually having to sell genuine emotion. Yes chant ensued. Brie came out to kiss her husband. Raw went off at 11:25 PM. *Whew*