All the way live from Anaheim, CA
The show started with a recap of last week’s show which culminated with the European Uppercut to Brock Lesnar’s jingle bells. Dean Ambrose started the live stuff by coming out and poppin’ ish about how he wanted it with Brock again. Stephanie McMahon strut them long gams down the aisle and cut Dean off before he got going too long. She promised to give him the opportunity at an F5, but much to Dean’s chagrin, Steph was talking a Fatal 5-way for Ambrose’s Intercontinental Title that hasn’t been defended in quite some time. She went on to further stipulate if Roman Reigns were to interfere in the match, Dean Ambrose would be disqualified from the Fastlane match on Sunday. She’s still running the angle of trying to cause a rift between the Shield Bros. Then she cleared the hell out the ring and let the other four competitors (Kevin Owens, Stardust, Dolph Ziggler, Tyler Breeze) to make their way to the squared circle. YES! The talking ended at precisely 8:10. That’s a new recent record!
IC Champ Dean Ambrose vs Kevin Owens vs Stardust vs Dolph Ziggler vs Tyler Breeze for the IC Championship
The guys played a little wrestler roulette with only 2 combatants in the ring at a time with the rest of the guys hanging around outside waiting their turns and selling moves. Ambrose did the bulk of the driving in this one. In the middle of the match they teased a Dirty Deeds that Owens broke out of. Dean started Latrell Sprewelling about the ring, diving to the floor through the ropes. In seconds he was dropping an elbow of the top rope on Kevin Owens. Then came the really fun part when everybody hits each other with their finishers. Ambrose hooked Stardust into Dirty Deeds when Dolph snatched Dean into a Zig Zag which also set off Dirty Deeds. Tyler Breeze tossed out Ziggler before he could make a pin attempt but turned around and came face to face with a Pop-up Powerbomb. Kevin Owens bundled up Breeze to win the Intercontinental Title again.
Dean Ambrose talks to his boo thang Renee Young, but so do Kevin Owens and Dolph Ziggler
Renee: Damn, bae. I just saw you loose the belt. You OK.
Dean: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade…because God closes windows, next thing you know, He opens doors. Ghandi. I’ma beat everybody ass on Sunday. When I see you at the crib, it’s gonna be as on as it will be poppin. (exeunt)
(enter Kevin Owens)
Kevin: Hey. Remember when I said I was gonna get the belt back?
Kevin: Say I was right! Validate me!
(enter Dolph Ziggler)
Dolph: Say, champ. I been beatin’ yo ass for the past couple weeks how bout a shot at the chip at Fastlane?
Kevin: … Nah.
Later it was announced that Kevin will be forced to defend the title against Dolph Ziggler on Sunday anyway.
DON’T YOU DARE BE SOWAH!!!
The New Day cut a promo on everything from piccolos and recorders to Coldplay, to their appearance on the Cutting Edge Peep Show. They reeled it in and got to the point of calling Mark Henry a mark ass busta (Eazy-E is smiling) and the World’s largest booty-hole. These guys are pushing the envelope more and more these days. Vince must really like these guys to give them the green light like this. Then Snorlax Henry made his way to the ring before the commercial break.
Mark Henry vs Big E
E came out the gate with heavy clubbing blows to the back. When Mark gained the upper hand and tossed E out the ring. When Henry followed E out, Kofi Kingston set the distraction which led to Big E taking over the match for the next few minutes. A lot of corner stomps and two gigantic splashes later, Mark Henry was reeling. Kofi and Xavier Woods put the bad mouth on Henry the whole time. Mark made a brief comeback but got caught on Big E’s shoulder. In a bizarre twist, Mark Henry fell off E’s shoulder for what looked like a botched attempt at a reversal. E decided to go home and pin Mark so as to not linger on the mistake. The announce team did their best to sell the splashes from earlier as the reason Mark Henry was pinned off a slip and fall.
Brie Bella Bryan Interview
Saxon…Saxton?: Hey Brie, How’s Daniel doing?
Brie: He’s good. Doing some work around the house. Putting ranch dressing on everything he eats now that he doesn’t have to really stay in shape.
Charlotte: Sorry bout yo husband. And yo sister. You should go home and take care of your people.
Brie: You scared, champ?
Charlotte: Nah, but I guess you gotta keep rasslin because yo old man can’t make no money no more. You wearin’ the pants in the relationship, huh? Plus y’all gonna have ugly, vegan babies.
Brie: BRIE MODE!!!
Later, a graphic was shown to promote the match which saw a picture of Ric Flair with a full head of hair. Ric, it might be time to come on home to Jesus and go with the baldy.
AJ Styles vs The Miz
Chris Jericho joined the announce team for the match, but there is no way he could have any bearing on the outcome. Right? The Miz jumped Styles before the bell to take control early. He made some attempts on AJ’s teeth like some weird Japanese horror movie monster. Meanwhile Jericho put AJ over the whole time saying how great of a competitor Styles is, but called his character into question. Miz ran the early going while moving a little methodically. Not slow. Just methodically. As the action picked up, the fast pace catered to Styles as he made a ton of reversals including a slingshot forearm that looked like it was going to lead to more dental work. Miz was able to get the Skull-crushing Finale but Styles kicked out. About a minute later Miz got snared in the Calf-crusher and tapped out. Jericho really didn’t interfere in the match. Surprising/refreshing that they let the match go on unbothered because it turned out to be a great contest. Jericho started to congratulate Styles but was cut off by AJ who wanted to cut to the chase and challenge Jericho to a third match to break their tie. Chris said he’d think about it.
The State of Dudleyville Address
Bubba Ray: Say dawg, we ain’t good guys no more. Watch this footage from last week. We beat up the Usos.
D-Von: We ain’t here for Nostalgia, pimp! We came to tear s*** down!
Bubba Ray: So long as that s*** doesn’t include tables. We’re done with tables. It’s prolly for the best. We’re really getting too old for this s***.
Dude, this is a lot of talk. Literally every other segment is chatty as hell.
Summer Rae vs Paige
No play by play on this one. Summer Rae pinned Paige. Dog. Are y’all gonna fire Paige or nah?
Paul Heyman Address
Paul Heyman reintroduced himself and requested the presence of Roman Reigns. Roman came out to chat. Paul implored him to make the decision between his friend Dean Ambrose or his family. Basically, Paul piggybacked off the McMahon agenda of playing the Shield against each other. Reigns said, thanks for the warning. Now I’ma knock the Vanilla Gorilla out. Heyman left. Suddenly, the Dudleys jumped Reigns. Perhaps some original Paul Heyman guys were putting in work for their ex boss. Dean made the save and helped clear the ring. Then he teased a Dirty Deeds on Reigns who shook it off. The two made the “Oh you!” face at each other and decided to save it til Sunday.
Heath Slater vs Zack Ryder
Here’s a treat! Ryder made a special appearance to the main show to job for the 2K16 Job Squad. There was teeny bit of back and forth, but for the most part it was all Broski. When Slater ate a Broski Boot, he rolled out to the waiting arms of the Social Outcasts. Back in the ring, Zack looked to put the match away before he fell for the distraction from Bo Dallas. Heath landed his trademark finisher the…let me Google it. Sweetness. Heath Slater landed Sweetness to pin Zack Ryder.
Goldust and R. Truth…the Saga Continues
In this installment, we find the straight man, Truth at a restaurant with his ol’ lady before what I assume was a Gap Band concert or something. Goldy appears in full facepaint and a waiter’s uniform. He claimed Truth as his tag team partner. Truth denied him to his girl like he was some bizarre sidechick. Goldust offered champagne to help his campaign. But ended up spilling the booze all over Truth’s girl’s dress. A good time was had by most.
Lucha Dragons and Neville vs The League of Nations minus Barrett
Rusev and Kalisto kicked it off. The US Champ used his quickness to frustrate the big fella. The Dragons and Neville got all the big bads together outside the ring by the ramp to take a group moonsault that lead to a commercial break. When they returned from commercial, Rusev was in the driver’s seat flinging Kalisto to and fro. Sin Cara got the hot tag and turned the tide. It wouldn’t last as he got tangled in the ropes and left himself wide open for a double stomp from Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio picked up the win and gained momentum going into Fastlane.
Booker T Package
A pretty decent video was shown celebrating Booker T for Black History Month. Among my favorite moments were the sixth Heavyweight title win and the crowning of King! A-Book-AH!
Naomi Tamina and Becky Lynch in Parkin Lot Kickin
For the first time in a long time, we see someone get attacked in a parking lot. I thought it would be like the time the Four Horsemen jumped Dusty Rhodes on the street and slammed his arm in his car door. So gangsta. However all we got was a quick superkick onto the hood of Becky’s rental car.
Naomi vs Becky Lynch
Lots of kicks in this one. Naomi looked like Chun-li out there at one point. But of course when Becky got the upper hand, Tamina hopped in the ring and started the bum rush. Sasha Banks’s music hit but she took her sweet and little coming down the aisle. Tamina crushed Becky with a Samoan drop for good measure before Sasha got her lil fine self in the ring. The BAD girls scattered and Becky jumped back up like she didn’t just take a Samoan Drop. Sasha sold concern for Becky.
Big Show vs Braun Strowman BUT FIRST MORE TALKING
Bray Wyatt addressed the audience (a lot of addresses tonight) and made feel bad about checking their twitter accounts. He made mention of giving them all freedom from a dying world and access to “Paradise”. Sounds legit. But wait for it. Wait for it. Oh, he says you have to bow to him. It’s always something. Classic Bray, being the living avatar for Satan again.
The actual match began after 11:00pm, so you knew this would be a short exchange of feats of strength before it totally broke down. Right on time the Wyatts interfered and put the boots to Big Show which prompted a save from Ryback. The Big Fella threw what looked to be some rather stiff haymakers and meat hooks before the numbers game caught up him. The two to one ratio was too much until the Demon Kane emerged from the portal to hell in the WWE ring. You’d think the McMahons would get that thing fixed. That would be enough as Big Show and Ryback caught their second wind and cleaned house. The “titans” the Wyatts worked so hard to destroy, stood tall at the end of the show. One would have to assume there will be some sort of tag match on the Fastlane PPV, so maybe it will be announced on Smackdown, but if Raw had this much talking, I imagine Smackdown will be like The View. I get it. You kinda have to talk sell a pay-per-view. But great Freddy Blassie’s GHOST! Hopefully next week when we get on the onramp to the road to WrestleMania, we get back to the action the WWE built up.