Live from the Joe Louis Arena in my hometown of Winterfell, M…I mean, Detroit, MI. Hot on the heels of the Fastlane pay per view, WWE looked to kick it into high gear on the Road to WrestleMania 32. With no significant stories being set up Sunday night, it looks as though WWE is going to cram for WrestleMania 32. There didn’t seem to be a lot of set-up for the coming month on Sunday night. So hopefully we can get on the good foot tonight. We also find out whether or not the Vincent J. McMahon award for Excellence and Whatnot is a legit award or just a crock of kayfabe.
At the top the show, they ran a quick recap of the Fastlane main event in which Roman Reigns defeated Brock Lesnar and his Bro-dog Dean Ambrose in the Triple Threat to meet Triple H. Then footage was shown of Brock Lesnar attacking Dean in the parking lot. Y’all know how I feel about attacks in the parking lot. In case you didn’t know, I love parking lot attacks.
Here Comes the Mon-ay! AKA Shade-O-Mac
As “No Chance in Hell” blared over the house PA, Vince sans the waddle, made his way to the ring to present the Vinny J McMahon Legacy award for Essellence. It didn’t take long for him to reveal this was all a gimmick by presenting it to his daughter Stephanie and her crocodile tears. Just as she was revving up, we heard the voices heralding the arrival of the money. Shane McMahon jumped out in the suit with the high top Rasheed Wallaces. After all the chants of “Wel-come back”, “Ho-ly Shit” and “This is Awe-some!” Shane went in on his family, sidestepping hugs, refusing handshakes bringing up old shit and revealing vague secrets. It’s like he was the drunk auntie at Thanksgiving dinner. Vince sent Steph to the back so he could hash things out with her brother. Shane cut to the chase and said he wants control of Raw because the Authority has been running the company into the ground. Message. Vince proposed the Faustian deal of “One more match” and Shane agreed before finding out the when, where and the whom. Seconds later, Vinny Mac told his son Shane, he would be pitting him against the Undertaker at WrestleMania 32 in a HELL IN THE C…sorry…Hell in the Cell match.
Neville and the Lucha Dragons vs The New Day
In a rare treat, Xavier Woods would see in-ring action. In an old school split-screen promo the New Day unveiled their new cereal, Booty-Os. Sounds disgusting, but whatever helps black men make a legal buck is fine with me. New Day ran the opening of the bout, giving Neville the business. He caught the Unicorn Stampede in the corner and everything. Sin Cara got the hot tag and the Luchas went HAM. In a couple of spots, Neville hit E with a 450 Splash off the ring apron. Which was quickly followed by a 450 splash by Kalisto off the back of Neville. Meanwhile inside the ring, Kofi twisted Sin Cara’s mask and caught him with Trouble in Paradise for the win.
It has to be rewarding for the New Day to come back to the D, the place that so many months ago started the “New Day Sucks” chants and completely turn the crowd to their side. While I hope the Unicorns stay heel, it’s only a matter of time before the crowd makes them turn face. Also, as we’ve been saying for quite some time, they don’t have any opponents to feud with. Might be time to make the call for Enzo and Cass to come on up. Maybe a little open Challenge action at WrestleMania? The Raw after? I have to stop booking matches for WrestleManias because I never get what I want.
A Chat with Paul Heyman AKA the Ride Along
Paul Heyman came out and did his Paul Heyman talk thing where he basically said Brock would’ve had the belt if it weren’t for that meddling Dean Ambrose and his little chair. All of sudden an ambulance made its way into the Joe. It pulled up to the entrance ramp. Out staggered Dean Ambrose who clawed his way to ringside and challenged Brock Lesnar to throw the ones. Brock was off it. Ambrose did his best Deadpool impression…Deanpool? Yes. Let’s call him Deanpool. Lets get that trending #Deanpool. Pool challenged Lesnar to a no-holds-barred contest at WrestleMania. Brock didn’t verbally reply. He simply F5’d Dean. Heyman translated for the home crowd and Dean Ambrose that that meant “yes” in Lesnarese.
The Usos vs The Ascension
The Dudley Boyz stood at the top of the ramp and restated some of the things regarding tables and beating people up and reminding people of who they were. Let’s hope they don’t powerbomb women anymore. D-Von went on to roast Rikishi for wearing a thong and called into question his ability to raise boys to have respect. The Ascension attacked the Usos from behind but that was pretty much the extent of their offense for the match. After eating a couple super kicks, and a big splash, the Wasteland boys were done.
Chris Jericho and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Jacket
Jericho said a few words about his rivalry with AJ Styles and after introducing Styles, said a few more. In a conversation in which Chris said everything, Styles and Jericho expressed their newfound respect for one another. After they shook hands, they were greeted by the Social Outcasts who were a little more than disgusted with the mutual admiration society, or Y2AJ as they referred to them. Blah Blah Blah, let’s have a match. The Outcasts actually gained the upperhand early in the match, but Jericho got a hot tag and took control.
Reigns went for a little stroll and checked his emails or watched Michael McTrap on the gram. Stephanie McMahon, looking to alleviate the funk she was in, decided to troll Roman Reigns by telling him he would be facing Sheamus later on in the show. Roman must think of her as a petty baby mama who keeps talking about getting her brothers to jump him if he doesn’t find a way to pay that child support, but doesn’t let him see his kids. The WWE title is Roman’s kids. Keep up y’all.
Golden Truth…the Saga Continues
Episode five? Truth denies Goldust yet again. Goldy produced a yellow cake with chocolate icing with the words “I’m Sorry” across the top of it. This feels a lot like the old Goldust and Booker T storyline. Fast forward to the part where they challenge and get crushed by the New Day, please.
The Wyatt Family vs Team Turn Every Week
It’s the match that was so nice, they did it twice. The Wyatts looked for a little payback on the team they dubbed, “The Titans” (Ryback, Big Show and Kane) who defeated them Sunday at Fastlane. The match had good action as Ryback hit a missile dropkick and Show slapped the dung out of Luke Harper. After Ryback ditched his teammates, Bray hit Kane with Sister Abigail for the win. After the match, The Big Guy said he was tired of tag team matches. So instead of waiting like…20 seconds for the end of a match, he walked out. Like he was about to go to a title match or something. See it through. Follow your own advice and “FINISH! IT!” These are the floppiest heel/face turning guys all on the same team. It only made sense for somebody to betray the others.
Sasha Banks vs Naomi with Tamina
Black girl magic match. The Boss took the action to Naomi early before she stood on the ring apron and got snatched to the floor by Tamina, the girl with the odd face that’s an acquired taste. Naomi took over the match and took every advantage and short cut possible. Tamina went to interfere one more time before she was neutralized by Becky Lynch. Seeing her assistant pimp get jumped on distracted Naomi before she was trapped in the Bank Statement. She shortly tapped out. Then as a special treat, we got some Charlotte smack talk. Ric Flair stood there, like, “Yeah yeah, boss, yeah yeah!” Then somehow Charlotte makes the decisions as to whom she faces at Mania and informed the duo they would soon face off for the number one contendership.
Chat with Vince and Steph
Steph: Pops I can’t believe you put the company up in a match at WrestleMania.
Vince: Chill, baby girl. l got this. You gotta act like Makaveli. Kilumenati through yah body like a
12 gauge shotty.
Steph: Oooooh. Ok.
Roman Reigns vs the World
Ro spent most of the match selling the affects of the Kimura lock from Fastlane. The League of Nations looked to help their boy Sheamus, but got tossed from ringside by the referee during the commercial break. Reigns landed an uncocked Superman Punch and a Spear on the outside of the ring. Then Motorhead came on and out came HHH in his scrapping clothes. He and Roman Reigns went back and forth for a bit until Trips slammed Reigns’s head on the announce table precisely one million times. When Reigns gushed blood out his nose, HHH went for the kill and Pedigreed Vince’s favorite Samoan on the metal stairs.
This week’s show was very talkative, but did a lot to scramble to set-up WrestleMania. Most of the talk seemed necessary to get the Mania ball rolling. But hopefully in the coming weeks, we’ll get more action. Let’s also hope they’re able to gain enough momentum to to get us some cohesive storylines to make us care about what’s happening. I’m already emotionally invested in the Undertaker match. Let’s hope these guys are in good enough physical shape to deliver a match worthy of the ramifications in it. I’m looking forward to the rest of the card being built in the next few weeks.