News broke earlier today of Roman Reigns’s suspension for violating the WWE’s Wellness Policy. While Reigns has already posted his public apology, we still don’t know what substance he was using, but the internet suspects weed. All of my jokes have to do with marijuana, so let’s hope it isn’t something more serious. With that said, the main event for Battleground was decided on Monday’s Raw and appears to still be on track to take place, unless Vince sees fit to punish his golden boy Roman.
Live from Phoenix, AZ Raw kicked off with Dean Ambrose addressing the WWE Universe before the inevitable interruptions from Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins. In hindsight, Roman seemed to be a little out of it when he “congratulated” Dean Ambrose. Either he was a little blowed or he was just tired of those fat neck-bearded bums who have never taken a flat back bump telling him he can’t wrestle. A match between the other members of the Shield was booked to determine the number one contender for Battleground. Spoiler alert: they both lose.
The match in and of itself was pretty good, considering we had just warmed it up from Sunday. Reigns and Rollins hit each other with the bathroom sink, but left the kitchen sink intact. The match ended in a double count-out which prompted Shane-O-Mac to restart the match. But before he could, Dean Ambrose volunteered to put the title up against the both of them in the same night. Shane obliged him by making a triple threat for Battleground. So I’m guessing this will satisfy the conditions of both rematch clauses of both former WWE World Heavyweight champions. Smart. It will be interesting to see if this still happens. It would send a mixed message that you can do drugs and get a 30 day suspension. Meanwhile, if you grab the boss remind him that ladies are supposed to go through a door before him, you get a 90 day suspension in lieu of being fired altogether.
Hold on while I sip this black tea.
Bray Wyatt and most of his Wyatts came with him. The fireflies never get old to me, so I can only imagine how Bray feels after a long absence. He sounded like Varnell Hill when he hit the crowd with the “Did you miss us?!” You know we did. For what would seem like no reason, the New Day interrupted Bray’s promo. It would appear they’re playing at some kind of struggle between light and dark by having the Power of Positivity take on the blatant Biblical evil of the Wyatts. Seriously, take a closer look at some of those promos. Bray is quoting Revelations the vast majority of the time. Xavier Woods seemingly being hypnotized by the power of Bray Wyatt has me so intrigued. While I never want the ride to end for the New Day, I know it must. So when it does, it needs to be epic. It’s so rare the WWE lets us keep something we like for this long, so every time something happens, it puts me on alert. I don’t mean to be Chicken Little, but at some point, the sky is going to fall.
AJ Styles demanded “apologies” from his buddies for their reprehensible behavior during his match against John Cena at Money in the Bank. They sounded like the Exxon guy from that episode of South Park with those heartfelt acts of contrition. Cena came out and lambasted the Club and made the obligatory reference to his opponent’s reproductive organs. AJ did the slippery heel act and offered Cena a chance at retribution by facing any member of his club…excluding Styles himself. Naturally. Karl Anderson volunteered as tribute. Cena turned into Shovel Knight and heaped a piled of fresh graveyard dirt on him with the AA. Before he could make the cover however, AJ and Luke Gallows prevented Cena from turning Anderson into worm food and proceeded to leave Cena in a heap of his own. Again. This feud is making fun of itself at this point. Cena still has a lot of ring rust to work off, so maybe that’s why he made such short work of Karl Anderson.
Charlotte defended the Women’s title against Paige who would win everything except for the big one of course. Dana Brook is hard to watch. She’s a real throwback to 2007 Diva style wrestling. She botched the return of the Boss, Sasha Banks. She ran out to take a helluva bump in the aisle. She should have stayed RIGHT THERE! But instead, she comes back in after Sasha had already dispatched her Boss Charlotte and held the title over her head. Thank goodness Paige was there to throw her out and make it less awkward. Dana, sit yo’ ROTTEN ass down somewhere!
What Else…What Else…
Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens continued their civil war, even though this was supposed to be the match to settle it once and for all. I think all that’s left for them to do is (figuratively) kill each other. Or maybe I mean literally. Or just in the storyline.
Zack Ryder lost to Baron Corbin to keep his streak alive.
Titus O’Neil boot the gold Que boots to Rusev for all that disrespect after the match at Money in the Bank. I hope you remembered to throw something extra in there for the smack Rusev was talking about you on twitter as well, Titus.
Enzo and Cass beat the Vaudevillains as it appears the brass are still looking to build Cass over everybody else. I sure hope Enzo finds a way to stay in the picture, because he works as hard as anybody to be relevant. He’s like a Jimmy Hart that can scrap. Keep the How You Doins together, WWE.
HEY! It’s Johnny Ace! Laurinitis made a cameo to show he was still a doddering old fool with illusions of grandeur. It only got funnier when Shane-O Mac came out to kick him off the stage. John proceeded to bow and scrape and kiss ass and insist on being part of the WWE management again. It was funny to get that last “People Power” out of the way as Shane shoo’d him off the ramp. But it brings up a good question of who is going to run which brand. While it shouldn’t have, it has mattered who presided over the shows. When Steph was the boss, the show seemed to drag because of her and HHH’s 30 minute promos at the beginning of Raw. When Shane hosted, he was in and out. He let the Superstars do their thing and was only seen when he was asked a question or when a ruling had to be made. Let’s have more of that during this FIVE HOURS of live wrestling we’re bracing for in the coming month.